Building a positive life

There are some days when some parts of my past will probably stay with me until the day I die. I tell myself not to be tortured by them however they come back again and again. Recollections from the most gruelling moments of education and from 2002 scenes of coma and death from Basingstoke North Hampshire Hospital. Most persistent of all memories are of what happened to me at the age of 3-5, when I lived in Malaysia, 12 when mum died, and then the strength I found in the following twenty years.

I left home at the age of 18 and joined Surrey University to pursue my academic career. I graduated from Surrey University in 2012 full of confidence as I entered the adult world. I was very well spoken, super polite and super respectful back then and you could tell I had received a good education. I can remember senior academics with PhDs and years of professional experience telling me that I had a lot to learn. However, in reality, they were right, I knew nothing about life and in my third decade of life it still feels as though I’m very much a baby. I was so easily influenced when I was younger, especially when you’re entering an environment with a really strong identity. When you’re in that kind of all-encompassing environment, it’s so hard to remind yourself that a world beyond that even exists. I was surrounded by students and the things they thought and believed. Part of me wanted to be accepted by the others and another part was wary of loosing too much of my personality or my values in the process.

I did some travelling at the age of 22, and up until that point was friends with some very immature children who were travelling through life on autopilot and do not fully understand what success is. Their idea of a good night was to put on fancy dress, head into town to drink a few pubs dry, and then go back to the University to continue drinking. If you wanted to be accepted you had to endure these endless nights out. How I was stupid enough to want to earn their respect by throwing myself onto a dance floor carpeted with spilled booze and broken glass.

Fortunately I realised this at the age of 24 and it has taken a further seven years to turn this around. I got married at the age of 28. All my family bar my father were in Leicestershire but now my family reside in Leicestershire, Hampshire, Surrey and Hertfordshire. Do I still belong at Surrey University? Do I even belong in this country? There seems to be a constant message these days saying nobody understands autism or wants to understand autism. What I would love is for the world to figure autism out, however, I have since realised that this doesn’t happen and that it’s only hard labour that only I can do. So my old boss was right, one day the penny dropped, and, thanks to him, I have since found my feet.

I often think of others as follows: don’t tell me what to do, don’t tell me what to do, don’t tell me what to do. This sort of behaviour only makes me more determined to rebel against the sort of person they want me to become. To some, my individualism is potentially a threat; why? The answer is I don’t know... ask them.

The thing that is clearest to me is the importance of surrounding yourself with the right people, and of finding the right space in which you can do all of that growing up. I was still pretty innocent when I joined the University of Surrey. I was inclined to trust people unquestioningly and give them the benefit of the doubt. My experiences taught me that there are a lot of negative people out there. In fact I have come to realise that there are a lot more negative people in this world than I initially realised.

I need positive values, a positive mindset and positive people around me. I also need to ensure that I reciprocate all of that. I want to be surrounded by the type of people who will be bouncing off each other, rather than sucking away each other’s will to live. I start by looking at the environment I am in, the people you surround yourself with. I ask myself do they make me feel good about myself? Do they make me feel as though they want me to become the best version of myself? When I am with those people do I behave in a way that I’m proud of? As a way of avoiding unnecessary negativity, I rarely go to nightclubs or socialise with people who give off a negative vibe. Instead I’d much rather go to a cocktail or hotel bar and be surrounded by friends and family who accept me for me. I also rarely get the train anymore. Going into either negative space means I can sometimes end up behaving in a way I later regret, or it simply leaves me feeling depressed and angry. Likewise I know there is no way I could single handedly change the culture of an entire society, so in some ways, in hindsight I have chosen to remove myself entirely from that negative zone. When I’m in an office environment and I can tell that there is a toxic atmosphere, I grab my laptop and try to find a separate space in which to work.

We all have them. People who give off a negative vibe... the type of people who worry about their bank balance, their past, their job. All of that seems irrelevant now. I’ve realised there are people out there who are only interested in bringing you down to their level often because they are insecure about their own choices and habits that they couldn’t bear the idea that I might be following my own interests or trying to better myself in my own way. Don’t be one of those people who forgets that life should be about trying to pull yourself up rather than tearing others down.

I have realised there is only so much you can do by yourself. Being alert to your environment and the things we can learn from is such a useful habit to develop. When I walk out of the door, I try not to just stare at the pavement in front of me. I keep my eyes open, recognising the people around me and what they are doing. I’ve come to realise that this is such a positive open way of being. When I’m having a bad day, I take a step back and think about the people that are most important to me in my life. There are about eight - I only need to bring one of them to mind and she puts a smile on my face. I know that if everything came crumbling down around me, her positivity would lift me back up. It’s not that she could lend me money or get me a job, it’s her positive energy. I know that she want me to be more and more successful. Me doing well puts a smile on those eight people’s faces. I know that I can rely on them to keep me headed in a positive direction.

It all comes down to a simple equation: if the people around you aren’t working for you, they’ll be working against you.

With regard to a possible PhD, it is the aim to find a solution to the problem of socio economic status affecting QOF and CQC outcomes. There are some people who might view this as intimidating, preferring to find problems to finding solutions. There will also be some people who won’t have a clue what this means, and that’s ok!

The lessons I have learnt are that if you are in a negative environment, get out of there quickly. No good will come of staying there, all you’ll be doing is absorbing negativity yourself, and you’ll need a good counsellor and doctor to sort that mess out. Second, some people radiate positive energy whereas others blast out negativity. Make sure you surround yourself with the most positive individuals you can. Third, when you meet someone ask yourself if they are really interested in helping you become the best possible version of yourself, or whether they want to bring you down to their level. Fourth, never deprive yourself of the chance to add another positive tool to your armour. Finally, I have learnt that other people’s negativity is their problem, not yours.