How present is your past?

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, which is why we call it the present.

Apparently, my life is made up of a series of events which I attach meanings to. My interpretation of these events has ultimately determined how I define myself, who I am, what I do and what I am capable of in the present. It seems that for the last thirty years I have been on the lookout for evidence that validates and confirms these interpretations. It is important that I start becoming more aware of how it is that I have historically interpreted my past life events; what beliefs I have formed about myself and how I can start modifying my beliefs so that moving forward I start making progress towards my life goals.

My earliest memory of childhood, funnily enough, is vomiting on a businessman's lap on a plane journey on the way to Malaysia. At the time I can remember being embarrassed and frightened about being sick, the people around me were angry and my mother in particular was also embarrassed. This memory has contributed to the evolution of my personal history and the quality of past relationships with others because I have since become wary of business people and people in authority. My experiences back when I was three have contributed to my patterns of forming and managing relationships today. For instance, although I find trust hard work, I find it particularly hard to trust business professionals, and I worry a lot about what people think of me. Upon reflection, the situation of vomiting on a plane when I as 3 has led to struggles with trusting advice or information from professionals (or experts) or people that are more knowledgeable than me. In certain areas this has resulted from the negative reaction that the businessman had towards me when I was 3. The negative reaction he gave during this time in the memory has given or left me with a stigma against business professionals being able to help me. I find trust hard work because I am worried that business professionals may react in a way that I may not expect them to. This ties back to the businessman getting angry when I was sick on his lap which happened to be something out of my control. Worrying about what other people think of me has stemmed from being embarrassed and frightened at a young age. As a result I like to prove professionals and people in general wrong (although not in a spiteful way). I am still unclear as to whether this is being embarrassed about something beyond my control or is it another feeling that is hard to describe.

Further, it's what I decided that being bullied at school meant about me, and what I decided that my mother dying said about who I am that shaped my life. As I have grown up I have continually looked for evidence that supports these interpretations, and this is how my beliefs have been formed. Its my interpretations of my life events that shape my reality. It's only recently when I have begun making the distinction between the past events and my present interpretation of the event that I have started operating from awareness (what's actually going on) - I do this by recognising that in each present moment I have a choice as to whether I react or respond. Whatever choice I make will directly influence my future path. Since I've been recognising the degree of choice that I have over my interpretations of events and circumstances; I have realised the power that I have over my future. I no longer have to bring with me the negative interpretation from the past; which is the essence of responsibility.