Stepping into strength and confidence

I've heard people talk a lot about being yourself. - and have heard many more people say 'Just be yourself' followed by 'Don't try to be someone else'. So, what does it mean to be myself? What is my true nature? And most importantly how do I find out? The implication is that I am who I am without all the pain and fear and without all of the childhood trauma. People ask me what it is that I do and now I am able to say that I am a support worker - the point there is that this career is not what I do, it is who I am. I'm enjoying every minute of it. That's because I am gaining confidence, self esteem and independence. It's a great joy to be in a job where I help others do things that others take for granted. So far I have learnt that no two days are the same - an important part of the job is supporting people with personal care - a small part of the job but nonetheless a very important part of the role. One day I could be supporting people to attend an important appointment, whilst another day we could be enjoying a coffee in Costa or enjoying a cup of tea together. I've also supported others in creating healthy meals.

Firstly, I shouldn't have to feel as though I need to wipe clean my emotional state and behave as if everything is perfect. The challenges I've been through are a part of my strength of character; the difficult things I've been through really have shaped who I am, what I feel and what I do - there is no getting around that. Fortunately I have begun to accept my trauma and now feel at peace with everything in my life up til this moment in time.

The good news is that I will always be connected to the things that have hurt me and the even better thing is that this doesn't have to be a bad thing. The connection between me and my trauma has taught me a life lesson that I have the strength to take risks; it has somehow taught me later in life the importance of empathy, it allows me to support others in my work with Dimensions LTD, it encourages me to teach SEN students with Teaching Personnel LTD and remind me to appreciate the beauty in mundane moments because I know how bad things can be.

My life experiences have been bashed about by experiences, relationships, interactions and impressions; however the natural equilibrium is always there no matter what stage of hurt or healing that I am at. I've learnt (the hard way) that equilibrium is something that can always be returned to, if we do the work to rebalance what has become out of balance. Part of that work is using what I have already done and taking control of my right to respond to anything in the way that I want to, rather than the way the trauma wants me to react.

In times when emotional pain and fear have settled into me, I developed defense mechanisms to keep me safe. My reactions to triggers were a huge part of that and perhaps the part of my childhood trauma that's most visible from the outside. I've learnt that instead of reacting instantly when I feel triggered by something or someone, I pause. I thank the people who have highlighted my weaknesses because these are the parts of me that I still need to heal. I also thank those who in the past may have belittled me because this has revealed more about their own character and perception of the world than my own. In the short term I have learnt to set boundaries for myself to manage my reactions.

Another thing I've learnt is that with the help of others I have changed my perspective on life - it is important to keep reminding myself of that so that when future stressful situations arise I can choose to respond in a way that I really want to respond. The amount of times I have scrolled through social media and seen how others react emotionally to a picture or a comment demonstrates how easy it is for a painful emotion to resurface. The lesson there is that every time you feel emotionally triggered, use it as an opportunity to grow; or more specifically, to build new neural pathways to your new empowering and healing beliefs.

Through the art of music I have learnt to recondition the mind through repeating new beliefs over and over again until I have been able to strengthen new neural pathways that it becomes easy enough to genuinely believe them.

As a support worker it is my responsibility to make sure the people we support are empowered to make decisions and to live happy, varied lives. Everyone has the right to a lifetime of opportunities, the right to be valued and the right to control what goes on in their life. It's a joy to be in a job where you help people achieve the things that others take for granted - it's incredibly rewarding.